I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
