dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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