so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize