Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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