He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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