Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
