At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
