I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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