wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
