Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You smell like stripper and shame
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
