How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I think I died a long time ago.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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