I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
