Apparently you make a good broom.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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