...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
