hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
