Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
