Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
