my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize