I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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