Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize