i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
