He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
