when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
