So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
