i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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