I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
