I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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