My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
