Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
