3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
