I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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