The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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