i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
