I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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