literally had 100 drinks last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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