Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
