I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
