god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize