I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he fucked my hip out of place.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
