Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
