I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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