yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
