Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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