Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
