bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
