I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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