I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
