I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
