these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
