The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
