WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
