My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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