two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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