wakey wakey hands off snakey
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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