no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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