i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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