hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize