I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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