i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
