I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize