I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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