Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
